Luna (en)

On July 20, 1969, the Apollo 11 lunar module, with astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin aboard, landed on the Moon. This was the first spectacular success for the United States in the space race with the USSR, ongoing since the mid-20th century. On that day, the entire world watched the events in space with bated breath.

There was no TikTok, InstaStories, YouTube, or other useful tools to capture reality live for billions to follow online worldwide. Therefore, despite the evidence being visible with a good pair of binoculars (if you know where to look), witnesses were polygraphed, and participants were taken (for questioning), many legends and fake news still arose. The most popular ones claim that everything was filmed in a studio, that it’s the truest untruth, a grand hoax with a capital „H”.

On the other hand, there’s the narrative of heroic deeds, victory, applause… medals, respect, and kudos!

Let me lift the veil a bit and tell you how it really (probably) happened.

1. Equipment

Back then, the equipment was hypothetical-theoretical. Theoretically, it could fly and hypothetically, it should be okay. But they were flying there for the first time! There were no Lagrangian points with comfortably set-up telescopes that can spot even a fly on another planet hundreds of light years away. So, who knows what you’ll find on site and what the situation will be? Maybe the Moon is just a sponge, and the Heroes will sink and not return in glory? Of course, scientists assured us it’s solid rock and all’s cool. But had any of them been there before? If they’re so smart, why didn’t they go themselves?

And what about the spacecraft? Was it built properly, did it pass the technical inspection, and was its mileage genuine? What if the odometer had been tampered with and the rivets fall apart on the way? Who would pick them up? There were no Poles (they were on the other side of the Iron Curtain, waiting for it to rust), and we know our folks are the best at welding, riveting, and fine-tuning metalwork. Since ours weren’t there, it was clear the job wouldn’t be done perfectly. No wonder things kept falling apart during tests, and something was always breaking, and they didn’t even have zip ties back then. They scratched their heads, smoked cigarettes, and saw—it generally looked bad, flying in such equipment.

Next issue. What computers did they have then? Ones weighing 32 kg with 7 KB of RAM, or something like that. What a joke, now my mechanical watch has more computing power than their computer back then! They checked the calculations manually! Seriously, paper in hand, a slide rule (logarithmic, mind you) and off they went. And they kept getting different results, depending on whether they were before or after lunch. How to trust that? How to rely on that? How to depend on that?

Entire books came out of those calculations, and the spacecraft was small, you couldn’t take such a library with you to the Moon, and it couldn’t be memorized either (they weren’t medical students). So, they had to take the computer available, to calculate those trajectories, sequences, approaches, departures, forces, gravitational pulls, sine waves, some ETC times, crazy stuff!

Yes, a failure. Sure, they tried several times to get more out of that computer, saying:

– Hey Siri! Alexa?

But the computer was silent…

2. Fashion

The outfits for the lunar flight are a whole essay topic, so briefly. You fly in something like that into space and can’t move, play cards, or fetch a bottle! Nightmare! Try going to the bathroom in that, and the flight isn’t like a bus trip to Krakow, you can’t hold it after six beers.

3. People

So, it’s no wonder the astronauts (no one smarter than a Varsovian, unless it’s an astronaut) boasted on TV before the flight, flashed their Hollywood smiles, took money, pretended they were so ready to fly, rolled up their sleeves and charmed the ladies, but actually flying? No way! So, a draw was held to decide who would go! Then another problem. One didn’t show up because of the harvest, another was sick, another had to take his child to the dentist with a toothache, and it’s the national health service, so he’s been waiting for six months.

Finally, NASA got fed up and came up with an idea. They threw a party. Booze, girls, pizza, kebabs, pools, barbecues (their American version of a traditional Polish grill). Everything to the max and in abundance. Wonders, because it’s America, they invented Donald gum! The party was in full swing when participants got the info that no flights were happening, it’s canceled, the window has closed, and “they can drink as much as they want.”

Meanwhile, what were the NASA specialists doing secretly? Full steam ahead with preparations, and the rocket was already heated up. They kept the whole crew together, ensuring the barbecue was working well and there was no shortage of beer. And behind the fence? They invited the media, fueled the rocket, and got the suits ready. They quietly took the three most relaxed ones from the party, pretending they’d had enough and needed to sober up, and said, „we’ll drop you off home…”. And into the rocket they went!

Already in space, snugly wrapped and safely separated from the galactic void by a few millimeters of painted metal, unconscious first from mixing drinks, then from the G-forces, and finally from the hangover, they managed. They had a computer and were controlled from Earth, so somehow they made it. True, they wandered a bit since the trail was uncharted, so it took them about three days to get there, right?

4. Landing

There’s the whole Moon at last. Think, reader, show some empathy and imagine it.

You’ve arrived, sobered up along the way, feeling quite fresh, and you don’t have much choice (since it’s blocked), so what are you going to do when you’re HERE (Luna), darn it?

Even out of boredom, you’ll move and go explore, see something! It’d be shameful not to go, everything (supposedly) is being filmed. It fell to Mr. ArmStrong, nicknamed “Strongarm.” He supposedly still had a hangover, and the lack of gravity didn’t make much difference in his state, and he was very upset for being roped into this like a child in the fog, so in his nerves, he wasn’t afraid of anything, not even if there was some UFO.

He got out, landed, tapped the ground with his foot, and said to himself, “I’ll take one step, and when I get back, I’ll thrash them so hard humanity won’t recognize them!”

His welcome speech came out a bit crooked, and there was no chance for a retake because how? Cut, retake? Edit it in a smartphone?

No, those weren’t those times! Marketing and PR experts softened the tone of his speech and it came out… Everyone knows what came out, that it’s one small step for him, but a giant leap for mankind.

Something like that.

Luckily, this message came from the Moon, far away – about 380,000 km, lots of noise along the way, unclear from radiation, so even then it was relatively easy to edit that material.

The photos also turned out quite good, you can’t take the helmet off (although, of course, he tried, because he was hot), so you couldn’t see those slightly hungover and very annoyed heroic conquerors.

Overall, it turned out great, there wasn’t 4K or 5G on the Moon then, and later, what needed to be done was edited.

So, that’s how it was…

Explanation for the younger ones, flat-earthers, and those who just woke up:

Of course, this whole story is just a humorous take.

In reality, the Moon landing was one of humanity’s greatest achievements, requiring incredible bravery, knowledge, and technology. The Apollo 11 mission proved that we are capable of surpassing boundaries and realizing the boldest dreams. And although we can now follow events live thanks to technologies that were unimaginable back then, it’s worth remembering and appreciating that extraordinary step we took 55 years ago.

In the photo: „Buran” – rotting somewhere in the depths of ancient medieval hangars, the space shuttle made in the USSR.