Sławek's Audi (for a Coffee Day)

I once walked into a café. For coffee, of course—what else?

The stunning glass windows, designed by award-winning „Red Dot” designers, perfectly complemented the ultra-modern façade of the building, straight out of *Star Trek*, in the heart of Business City.

Inside, a row of shiny, chrome-plated, state-of-the-art coffee machines hummed softly, their high-tech grinders made from the finest tungsten carbide. Their sleek, liquid crystal touchscreens shimmered, waiting for the slightest gesture of my hand.
Oh, and there was that little note on the wall, informing me that my drink would be crafted from pristine water, melted from glaciers thousands of years ago, brewed according to ancient recipes passed down by wrinkled craftsmen from a mist-covered temple, built of volcanic rock, somewhere on the southern slopes of a remote island, known only to hyper-fit, Lycra-clad, obsessive travelers.
The moment the fully professional *Barista Artist* saw me, he rubbed his hands together, flicked his wrists, rolled his head around a few times—he was ready for action:
„Good morning, I’ll have a coffee, please!”
„Good morning. Of course, right away. What kind? Espresso, Lungo, Americano, Doppio, Cappuccino, Flat White?”
„Um… well… just a regular one, medium size, with a little milk?”
„Oh, with milk! Sure: Cappuccino, Latte, Flat White?”
„Just give me a normal-sized one, from the machine, and about five ounces of milk.” I tried to lighten the mood.
„I see, a Doppio with some macchiato milk? Got it! What kind of milk? Lactose-free, skim, soy?”—ugh, no loosening this guy up… *Herr Brunner.*
„Regular cow’s milk.”
„Super. Warm or cold?”
„WARM.”
„100% Arabica or a blend with Robusta?”
„A… RA… BI… CA…”
„What kind of sugar? White, cane, sweeten… Wait, where are you going, sir? What about syrup, cup size, stirrer material?!?”

The door slammed behind me as I left. I’ll make coffee at home.

That whole coffee debacle came to mind when I got into Sławek’s brand-new Audi (Sławek’s Audi).
I wanted to head to the store, we were out of coffee, just around the corner, second right, straight ahead, 1500 meters, and you’re there… and yeah, I also just wanted to take the car for a spin.
I mean, it’s a NEW AUDI!

AudiAuto greeted me with beautiful glass panels, seamlessly embedded in the sleek silhouette of this car, drawn with subtle yet bold strokes by professional designers.
No half-measures here. I’m pretty sure a small-town-sized team of architects, designers, psychologists, psychiatrists, philosophers, interior decorators, engineers, and one florist worked on this.
And it shows—it’s a beautiful car.

Even from a distance, it recognized me—or well, Sławek… it recognized Sławek’s key—and out of sheer joy, it started flashing its lights and whirring.
The doors unlocked, and with a soft hum, the pre-programmed seats performed a secret little dance, getting into position. I was ready to get in.
„Damn, this is glamorous,” I thought. „I should’ve brought a foot mat to wipe my shoes… maybe I should take them off?” Too late—what’s done is done. Time to get in, shoes and all, like a barbarian.

Once inside, I was surrounded by an infinite number of black glass panels.
Everywhere. A bit smudged with fingerprints, but when some of them suddenly came to life, I relaxed. Phew, not mirrors—*screens*!
Audi welcomed me—”Hello, Sławek”—so happy to see me, on one of those screens—”Would you like to keep your previous settings?”

„Hi Audi, I’m not Sławek,” I mumbled to myself, looking for the ignition hole, but in the meantime, I clicked „OK, save settings.”

That’s when the seat started its magic, adjusting and reconfiguring itself.
After the transformation, my legs were almost up to my ears, and if I had a bigger chest, it would’ve been pressed against the dashboard. Ah, yes, Sławek is a bit shorter than I am.
Well, I can’t drive like this. I fumbled with the side of the seat, pushed it back, roughly adjusted it to my size—after all, it’s not a long drive.

Audi: „Would you like to save these settings?”

No, I don’t want to mess with Sławek’s settings—Me: „No, thanks!”

The car started to re-adjust the seat…

Me: „Stop, wait, no, STOP!”

After setting the seat again:

Audi: „Would you like to…?”

Me: „YES!”

Audi: „Do you agree to let Audi, represented by the Audi vehicle, collect telemetry data via cameras, microphones, pressure sensors, proximity sensors, infrared, sonar, echometers, scanners, radars, and Xerox machines?”

Me: „Do I have to?”

Audi: „You don’t have to.”

Me: „I don’t agree.”

Audi: „Please exit the vehicle within 60 seconds. Unauthorized presence beyond this time may result in law enforcement being summoned.”

Me: „Fine, I agree!”

Audi: „We’re about to merge into traffic. Did you know that while driving, you should focus on the road, and the navigation system is just an auxiliary tool?”

Me: „I know!”

Audi: „I haven’t detected Sławek’s ‚Xiaomi Sławek’ phone. Would you like to connect another device?”

Me: „No!”

Audi: „But what do you mean ‚no’?! No internet while driving?! How will you drive without the internet!? Are you sure? *Ar Yu Sure?*”

Me: „YES! I’m sure. Want proof?”

Audi: „Oh my, I don’t know anymore! Please confirm your confirmation of non-connection!”

Me: „I confirm!”

„Almost done,” the car informed me. „Before we drive, just double-check the temperature level, massage intensity, air flow strength, ambient light color, mirror settings, shoe size, flower scent, exchange rate of Swiss Francs, yesterday’s laundry, selected music, and energy levels of your great-aunt’s cousin’s brother-in-law’s phone on your grandma Zuzia’s fourth water off-jelly kin… Wait… where did you go?”

I quietly shut the door behind me. The soft plop of the new seals was satisfying as the sound of the car’s systems faded away.
This Audi is really nice… Aww, forget it—I’ll just walk.